


ring dong dance

by passionred (berryargento)



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Amnesia, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Salt, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-16 01:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 12,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11818398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryargento/pseuds/passionred
Summary: "That day, a girl lost half of herself; while the other lost half her soul."—This, is but a journey to find lost hearts, while their wings were half broken and none of them able to fly.





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> I read this aycs amnesia fic in pixiv and impulsively wants to make one ... anyways, this is not a copy story or anything.
> 
> Enjoy the day!

**i.**

When she opened her eyes, assaulted by white of the room and the lighting, she saw two person sitting beside where she was lying. Her left hand was numb, something attached on it, cable, or something, she doesn’t know what it is called.

The two person, as they seen the lying girl has moved, stared in wide eyes. Red-eyed, purple-haired one with boyish appearance approached the bed, while the blue-haired girl with purple eyes stayed, she looked as if she wanted to cry, looking down and clenched her fists.

“… Hey.” The purple-haired girl said. “Do you happened to know something about us?”

The blonde, who was fixated at them, stared with blank eyes. “Who are you?”

**.**

The doctor was called in to access the situation before he left the room after saying things to both visitors. The bedridden girl caught some words of ‘try to talk with her’ or something before he excused himself outside. Both of them then took a seat on the chair beside the bed and told the blonde patient not to be up sitting yet.

The two explained what had happened in detail slowly for the bedridden girl to digest.

Her name is Shirasagi Chisato—they said, it might not be the truth but she complied—she is sixteen, a second-year of high school at Hanasakigawa and she had an accident by where her shooting session took place. She is an actress, so the blue-haired girl explained; she has been one since her childhood, the purple hair added.

“My name is Kanon, Matsubara Kanon,” the blue-haired girl introduced herself, she was clad in blue sailor uniform. “I’m your classmate and … we were close friends, I think. And this is Kaoru-chan, Seta Kaoru, she’s your childhood friend.”

This ‘Kaoru’ wore a uniform, too, but with a necktie and a vest, maybe from a different school.

“Hmph, I see that even though your memory has been thrown into the void, you still have the same, cold expression.” Kaoru said.

“Ka-Kaoru-chan!”

“So …” Chisato rolled her eyes. “Matsubara-san and Seta-san?”

“You used to call me Kanon,” the blue-haired girl added. “And you called Kaoru-chan, ‘Kaoru’.”

“Alright. I’ll do just that, then,” Chisato inhaled before she spelled out two new names. “Kaoru and Kanon,” seeing the two nodded, she continued. “What happened to me?”

“Doctor said you hit your head pretty hard,” Kaoru moved to trace a line on Chisato’s forehead where the white bandage is. Chisato just realized she had her head bandaged. “Don’t worry, though, they said the wound’s closed.”

“How long have I been …?”

“Three days,” Kanon answered. “They allowed visitors just recently.”

“And you two … were the one who found me?”

At that, both of them stayed silent, for fractions of seconds. Kaoru opened her lips, just to close it again. Chisato was confused, but she didn’t bring to say anything. She watched Kanon looked down and not answering the question. Expressions of lost, expressions of hope – perhaps they were so close to her but to see her having nothing of a puzzle piece to recall them, they were staying still.

“Actually, we didn’t.” Kaoru managed to say. “But they were busy with work today and unable to meet you yet. We’re called in by the hospital because we’re close friends to you.”

“‘ _They_ ’?”

“You were in your agency, and it was when your band mates found you.”

“Band … mates? Didn’t you tell me that I am an actress?”

“It’s … rather a long story.”


	2. ii.

**ii.**

Since the visit is cut short by the doctors because Chisato just regained consciousness, Kanon left something for Chisato to read about the ‘band’ she was in and a brief information about her agency.

The nurse then coming through the room and said that the doctor will be here shortly for examinations.

A doctor accompanied with two nurses came in, asking of how the orientation with Kanon and Kaoru earlier as well as checking her physical conditions. They told her again about her identity from top to bottom, maybe as to make sure she got everything.

“I’ll have you to take your medicine now and please get some sleep. I know it must be a bit confusing to grasp many details, but please, rest easy.”

After she took her meds, they left her alone. The notes Kanon had left is there by her reach.

 _Maybe it would be okay to read for a bit,_ she thought to herself. The sun was still high outside the window, she could read the notes just fine.

Being in an idol band _Pastel*Palettes_ is one of her job. The band is named because of their colorful theme, and the keyword ‘idol’ is about their music genre and their performing style. Idols have been booming in the entertainment industry lately, so the agency strive to make an idol band debut.

Pastel*Palettes is composed of five girls; one vocal, one main guitarist, a drummer, a keyboardist and a bassist. Kanon didn’t have the time to entail more about each girls in her notes and jotted down the agency information to finish the short notes. She said that the members might see her soon and tells her more about the incidents and that their part is finished there since they didn’t know the details either.

Chisato found herself sighed as dizziness brought herself to shut her eyes off.

* * *

 

For once, she thought that she had this thing called dream happened after so long in a daze. 

As long as she remembered, it is blank wherever she sees, but now, a color started to appear.

She was looking at her own reflection by the mirror. Her long blonde hair, her pair of amethyst; she was wearing a black tee accompanied with green training pants. The room she was in is huge, a wooden flooring is there, and there’s a set of band equipment resting by the far edge to the left where she stood, the ceiling was far up, colored black, part of the wall is coated with red carpet. She was alone, and the door to her right is closed.

 _Where is she?_ She asked to nobody in particular and tried to look around.

[ The dream stays the same every time she sleeps, but she could only find nothing but herself and her poor reflection on the mirror. ]


	3. iii.

**iii.**

Her usual routines after her awakening is to eat, listening to doctor’s order, taking pills, sometimes changing the bandage over her head, learning something new about ‘Shirasagi Chisato’ until her consciousness gives out or she’s finding herself tired and went back to sleep. They said that her condition must be monitored thoroughly and they would inform when she could be released from the hospital and returning to her daily life. 

Well, not ‘her’ daily life, but ‘Shirasagi Chisato’ usual schedule.

After the orientation, there was no one visited her again until one afternoon, when she is used to her ‘life’ barely.

Her sleep was interrupted by a voice of someone singing.

The voice went adrift in rather small humming, consistently waving the notes of melody, joining to make lines of what her brain told her that it is a ‘song’. She didn’t recall who’s the owner of said voice, but the song, the tune – there’s a familiar feeling to it.

She opened her eyes to a sight of a girl in blue sailor uniform, sitting on a chair beside her bed. A sight of fluffy pink hair is there, the matching pink eyes busily tending on an apple and a knife that is on her hold. She doesn’t stop humming to the song, until she realized their eyes met.

“Sorry,” the movement and the song stopped. “Did I wake you up?”

Chisato shook her head, then she tried to prop herself up. The pink-haired girl quickly stood to help her, in which she silently refused.

“It’s okay,” said Chisato. “I just about to wake up anyway.”

There was a relief coated on the girl’s face and she sat up again. “Oh, umm, I was making this for you!” The pinkette took a plate with her, Chisato looked to see apples, which the girl had peeled earlier, in a unique shape. She cuts it small, leaves the part of the red skin afloat. “Rabbit apples!” the girl exclaimed happily.

“… Rabbit?” the blonde examined one slice to see the floating apple skin … resembled to a rabbit ears, (maybe? Chisato doesn’t know about it herself), is there.

She puffed her chest with pride as she tsk’ed, pointed her index finger up, “It might be small, but never underestimated its size! It is ve~ry nutritious!”

 _Well,_ she just changed the appearance from the full apple, nothing more, there won’t be any change to whatever nutritious content she had spoke earlier, so Chisato thought. She picked one rabbit, the one which had a toothpick in it.

“Hmm,” Chisato watched the girl again, whose eyes glinted; she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Sorry, but this shape is ridiculous.”

_“E-Eeh!?”_

“But, thank you for the apples, I’ll eat it.” She ended with a bite.

The apple was sweet, Chisato savored her bites slowly, memorizing the taste of ‘apple’ in the back of her mind.

“Is it good?” the pinkette asked.

“Yes,” Chisato finished one rabbit apple. “Very sweet.”

The girl smiled, wide, “That’s great, then.”

While picking the next apple, Chisato wondered who the girl is. She had the same uniform as what Kanon wore from that day, meaning she could be her classmate. The mention of idol band resurfaced suddenly, but every possibility then could be an answer. Seeing the girl there, however, meaning that she knows what had happened to her.

“Umm,” Chisato cleared her throat. “You … must’ve known what happened to me, right?” the pinkette visibly flinched, but only nodded at Chisato’s leading questions. “Then, I don’t have to explan myself from the beginning.”

Chisato just realized the girl’s expression changed from stillness. She already know that the pinkette had something to say, but perhaps she hold it back.

“My name is Shirasagi Chisato,” the bedridden girl introduced herself. “Who are you, and how did you know me?”

Pink eyes marched downwards. Chisato could see it, the same disappointment, the same mourning, the same, the same wounded exterior just like how she had seen it in Kanon and Kaoru is what she had. The blonde guessed that silence will follow next, yet two hands clasped hers, which stayed on the bed.

“I—It’s nice to meet you again, Chisato-chan,” she looked straight to the line of amethyst, who was surprised. The pink-colored irises there didn’t falter. “I’m _Pastel*Palettes_ soft pink leader, Maruyama Aya!”

Chisato was rendered speechless as this girl—Aya—went on.

An image of ‘idol band’ inside her blurred completely from mere dump of cute colors to something different entirely.

“We … we were in one idol band called _Pastel*Palettes_ , and you were my bassist,” Aya brought the smaller hands up, she clasped it tightly. “You were—no, you are—the most precious person to me!”

[ Even though voices inside her _screaming_ , Chisato— ]

Aya choked back tears, “A—Ah, I’m sorry. I’m … I’m such a crybaby ...” she released their connected hands and wiped her flowing tears, for it not easily stopping. “C, Chisato-chan … I’m sorry.”

A tone is coming from an intercom located on the ceiling, _the visiting time is over, the visiting time is over_ , repeatedly. There still many questions that Chisato have for Aya; about the band, about what had happened that day, and about why she cried. It might be natural to cry, seeing ‘a friend’ had lost the memories of her, but no, Aya – there’s something else bugging Chisato.

“… I, I should go, umm,” her tears are there. “I’ll see you next time, Chisato-chan—“

“Wait.”

Her hand found the retreating wrist and Aya stopped, turning to see Chisato with broken expression, swollen eyes. The bedridden girl wanted to let her go, she doesn’t want to see such mirth on her face even though she doesn’t know the reason of the pinkette’s sudden burst.

“May I ask … what song that you sang earlier?”

Her lips upturned a bit, though her eyes are sad, “I’ll tell you next time,” she said. “The single is going to be released soon.”


	4. iv.

**iv.**

Loud footsteps filled the hospital hallway as they ran rather hurriedly, until the passing nurse yelled at them to keep it down. Though they won’t make it to the visiting time, they were sure to chase for their leader there. The last meeting with agency staffs ended in a bit rough note since Aya left early that day. Days of _Pastel*Palettes_ members after the fall of Chisato has been an uproar to another, they have scheduled single release event, the usual training days, and—

“Still,” Hina sighed, ruffling on her turquoise tresses. “Aya-chan, she excused herself in the middle of the meeting so that she won’t miss the visitor time, no wonder Staff-san is pissed~”

“Ahaha, that’s right, Hina-san.” Maya laughed dryly as she readjusted her glasses. “The other day when we discussed about having a stand-in to fill Chisato-san’s position, it is the first time I see Aya-san so angry.”

“But I agree with Aya-san,” Eve added. “ _Pastel*Palettes_ is not _Pastel*Palettes_ if there’s no Chisato-san in it!”

“Thankfully, they surrendered and have the event rescheduled~ Aya-chan’s will is so strong~” Hina lead the crowd for last turn at the left alley, when they see someone crouched in front of the third door from where they were standing, hugging their own feet as their muffled cry echoes the empty hallway. “… Ah, there she is.”

The three of them approached the crying pinkette, the sign on the door reads ‘Shirasagi Chisato’—the bassist who is said to lost her memories. Eve gave Aya a big hug and helped her to stand up, Hina and Maya joined as they walked away from the room.

A cup of tea would be nice, right?

.

The four members of _Pastel*Palettes_ settled for Hazawa Coffee. The Millie-Feuille and tea set is up on sale at the afternoon and Eve asked Hagumi to make an order of four.

“So, have you calmed down now?” Hina asked, she shots a grin as she patted on Aya’s head.

“Mm. Thank you, Hina-chan, Maya-chan, Eve-chan …”

An image of Chisato, who doesn’t remember a single thing of her or Pastel*Palettes continued to play. Though she had calmed down, thinking she might have shed enough tears, she still feel her eyes could burn and she’d burst again at any seconds.

It was just like Kanon had said few days ago, when she asked her to go to see Chisato since the matter inside the agency has yet to be resolved. Their new single is going to be released soon and the release event had been scheduled, but Aya refused to have stand-ins in the place where the blonde bassist is. The staff said that it would take time to get Chisato back after what had happened, and on top of it, she is suffering from amnesia. However, during past days, Aya stood strong with her opinion and the rest of members supported her. Maybe they don’t have the same ‘value’ as how the staffs see Chisato is, but Aya wanted to be selfish.

[ _“Let me be able to stand up on the stage again with her._ ” She murmured softly every day. ]

“Oh, I … I’m sorry I haven’t asked the doctors when she’d be discharged, I-I just cried there, I’m so … pathetic.”

“It’s okay, Aya-san, it must be hard,” Maya said, she handed in an extra tissue and gestured Aya to wipe her eyes again. “We’re helping in a way we can.”

“That’s right. I can help her drilling the bass’ basics!” Hina exclaimed. “I’m sure she’ll get the hang of it fast.”

“Then, I will supply Chisato-chan with every ounce of Bushido spirit I have!”

Aya couldn’t help but to laugh at the positive encouragement that everyone beams. As much as she could say to herself that everything would be fine, a piece of puzzle is not in the place. The three of them must’ve realized it as Aya, as happy her laugh may sound, it went quiet – a wry smile took the place.

“She doesn’t remember anything … huh …”

.

.

.

 

_Aya got her cell phone out from her pocket. She’s always doing selfies no matter where she is, or taking random photos about her surrounding. She turned the phone on, while usually she never let it off. The lock screen is concealed by various reminders, with the assigned date and time, until Aya swipes the screen up to reveal the picture she took when her first café date was._

_The blonde smiled, as she circled her arms around the small figure and took their selfies, part of it showing the café interior. She still remembers how the blonde scolded her after, telling that it is embarrassing to be so close in the open._

_._

_Those days would never be back. Ever._


	5. v.

**v.**

Chisato was having the same dream, again.

It was the same space, with her looking at her own reflection by the huge mirror, the untouched instruments, the locked door. What different this time, the door eventually opened, four girls entered the room while chatting to each other.

The girl with messy brown hair with red glasses, she spun the sticks she had in her hold.

The silver-haired girl, the tallest of the group, she balled both of her fist and chanting something passionately.

The girl with turquoise hair, making fun of the girl in pink.

The girl with pink hair, now tied in twin tails, marched in with them, about to go to where the instruments were.

Four pair of eyes watched her, they opened their mouths to call, but Chisato couldn’t hear anything. She then try to walk now, trying to approach them, trying to reach them—

—And, she was awake in the hospital room, hands outstretched grasping air.

That dream – what does it significance? And that pink-haired girl, Chisato recalled about her. She must be Aya who come and visited her a few days ago.

“Then … they must be … _Pastel*Palettes_ …”

Though Aya said that ‘the song would be released soon’, she has yet to come back and no one visited her again except doctors and nurses. Doctors applauded her advance in learning things and she could always asks nurses to get new materials for her to digest. They have yet to let her know when she would be discharged, and staying in hospital air has been making her more dizzy than ever.

 _What life waited her outside this white room, though?_ She could tell herself that she’s afraid to see, to feel every old things that’s ‘new’ to this ‘Chisato’.

The door to her room opened, a nurse came in with an accompanying trolley. Upon closer inspection, there’s no medicine in it, only bandages.

“Good afternoon, Shirasagi-san, I’m here to change your bandages,” the nurse said, tapping on the board she had brought. “Though if I see the wound is properly closed, you’ll be free of your bandages.”

Chisato nodded at that and she sat up, letting the nurse did her job. She is now free from the bandages wrapped around her head, the nurse left her with a patch on the badly-affected area instead, on her left forehead.

“Oh, your friends were here earlier,” Chisato’s eyes widened at the mention of ‘friends’ – a plural, meaning not only one person, a crowd was there when she slept. “They left you with something, I’ll get it later from the nurse station.”

Chisato waited a bit until the nurse showed up again with a headphone, a CD player and a CD case. The CD cover is a colorful blend of green, blue, pink, yellow and purple within flower ornaments and butterfly, a handwriting of _Pastel*Palettes_ 2nd single – maybe it is not the finalized jacket cover that’s sold in stores, since it is just a handwriting and all the simple styling. The song titles are there; _Hanamaru Andante / Yura Yura Ring-Dong-Dance_ , two songs in single CD.

“Oh, you put the CD here, play it with the button here and adjust the volume here …” the nurse directed her. “Here, they asked you to listen to it.”

Chisato wore the headphone and gave the album a listen. Bright-sounding music filling her senses. The light, feathery voice kicks in slowly after the intro and Chisato fumbled to search for the lyrics. _Hanamaru Andante_ , plays rather slow-paced but the lyrics are about a strong resolve to try their best. The band blends well with the color of the vocalist’s voice – it is indeed that girl Aya voice, but it wasn’t the song that she sang in that day.

“Then the second one must be—“

A different-colored song began. Though not exactly ‘darker’ in comparison to the side A, the song emitted a deeper atmosphere. There are two main voices singing, unlike the previous one where there are occasional back-up vocals.

This voice, the voice that’s heavier than Aya’s feathery voice—

“Isn't this … my voice?”

Sadly, she had no memories ever heard of the song aside from that day – she had no recollection of the past her who sings this song, the past her with _Pastel*Palettes_ , she is simply a mere void who wears the mask of Shirasagi Chisato now.

The blonde pressed the button off, never to hear the song again.

.

.

.

 

“Will the song … help?”

Aya asked to the group as they walked around the hospital lobby. The nurse dismissed them as they already waited too long for Chisato to wake up. The leader of Pastel*Palettes was eager to introduce Chisato to everyone again, and hoped that maybe something—even the slightest thing—could jog up her memory. The doctor said memory loss because of shock is reversible but it all depends on the person.

“But she did ask the song when you hummed it, right? Maybe she remembered something.” Maya said.

“If Chisato-chan is never going back, then …”

They stopped walking. Aya’s shoulders trembled as she clenched her fists.

“… We—We should support her, no matter what happens.” Aya declared. A tinge of happy memory she shared burns. “No matter what happens.”


	6. vi. vii.

**vi.**

After she was discharged from hospital, a list of training is what she must face. The doctor already gave an okay for her to return to her ‘daily life’, though she must know her limits since the beginning days would be hard.

An actress is a job that requires anyone to don thousand to unlimited amount of masks. There are many things that gathered to be a compilation of ‘what she must do’ and ‘what she mustn’t do’. The agency staffs drilled her every day, preserving every minutes necessary to shape the ‘Shirasagi Chisato’ image that have been known – a flawless, young actress with a smile of grandeur.

* * *

 

 **vii.**  


After she’s used to her ‘actress’ life, balancing with the school she had left for some while, it is the time to meet up with _Pastel*Palettes_ , the idol band where she was before the incident. The life as an actress is a series of hardships, then again, nothing sweet will come in the life unless with struggles, so Chisato marched on. Perhaps it is a touch from her own self, that she managed to regain footing at where she is now – striving to be ‘Chisato’.

No one can described the reason why she went to the path of idol; nobody knows except her old self, maybe. The staff arranged the meeting just the same day as she returned to her school life at Hanasakigawa, she wore her uniform as the staff escorted her to the meeting room.

“Actually, this is a bit of mandatory,” the staff said. “You can always refuse to come back since working with a band is hard.”

“Refuse?”

“Yes. Not to mention you should take the lesson for bass basic, it is quite a waste of time if you want to preserve your acting career,” the staff went on. “It is all up to you, Shirasagi-san.”

 _So there’s an option to bail out,_ Chisato thought to herself.

The band composed with stranger that once she knew, maybe she’d see their pained expression more if she’s there, rather than any benefit. Especially, to a certain vocalist—

* * *

 

The staff led her to the room, four girls already sitting inside, and they hurriedly stand up to hear someone entered the room. 

“Chisato-chan!” Eve exclaimed. She was about to run and hug the small blonde but Maya stopped her.

“Oh, umm, good … afternoon, Chisato-chan.” Aya greeted her. “So … do we need to begin from introduction?”

Staff nodded at Aya’s question. “Yes, please.”

They seated in a circle with Chisato near the said staff guy. Aya is the only one talking, despite everybody had an urge to do the same. The pinkette introduced herself again, the vocalist of _Pastel*Palettes_ band, Maruyama Aya, to her right, the turquoise-haired girl, guitarist Hikawa Hina, then drummer Yamato Maya, and the keyboardist Wakamiya Eve.

“And, well …” Aya took a moment to inhale. “I have said to you that you’re our bassist, Chisato-chan.”

 _—why?_ Why, until today, she has yet to find an answer about why she stick in the band in the first place, despite being an actress?

The only logical conclusion is that the staff made the concept of idol band out of the blue, but then, why she bothered to be there – to the point they even got there to the second single? What was their value? What is _Pastel*Palettes_ even mean to her? Why she couldn’t remember anything?

Chisato nodded, “Then, is that all?”

There was a silent, before Aya added, “I—We need you.”

_She could always count herself out. It is the new ‘her’ that is here, not the same old Chisato who was their bassist._

“But, why? Aren’t there more talented bassist out there that is not amnesiac like me?” she asked. “Why bother asking me?”

Her purple eyes glinted to see a bewildered expression coming from Hina, Eve doesn’t seem to be amused either with her pledge. _Why?_

“Hina-chan,” a stern voice coming from Aya. “Please, just let me be the one speaking.”

“But Aya-chan, this is—“

“I know.” She steeled her glare. “So please.”

Aya went back to see Chisato, who expected the pinkette to keep her glare directed, perhaps she’s angry, or thinking she’s being all high and mighty. The pinkette gave a smile as she reached out. Aya stood up in front of Chisato and bowed.

“Please,” her voice remained strong. “Please come back to us,” Chisato was overwhelmed. “It won’t be _Pastel*Palettes_ anymore if it isn’t you who’s here,” Chisato looked around to see Hina, Maya and Eve followed suit. “I—I know that we might be selfish to ask you to come back with us, but _please_ …”

There was a flash.

She was back in the room again, the same room surrounded by mirrors while the four girls are in her back, preparing their own instruments.

Hina took the blue guitar and do the tuning. Maya checked whether the drums are set up in the proper positions. Eve readied her keyboard, asking the other three to help them lifting it to the stand. Aya set up her mic and doing voice test. The yellow bass stood alone by Aya’s right side and nobody touched it.

That day, however, something else happened.

Their lips moved—she could hear it now—she is being called.

Four voices called her there, smiling, waving their hands to her, _and—_

“ **Chisato-chan.** ”

Aya is looking at her up close. Chisato couldn’t help but blink. “W-What is it?”

Not only Aya, everyone gathered by her side, she saw her own knuckles whitened on her lap. _What had happened? Why everyone looks so—_

“You look pale. Are you okay?” asked Aya. Chisato found the hand touching her forehead. It was rather … warm, in comparison to her cold skin. “I’m … sorry.”

“… No. It’s okay. I was a bit dazed.”

Aya pulled herself away and they made the distance again. It was there, the pained expression, a mix of many uncomfortable feelings in the room.

“I … want to be back.” Chisato brings herself to say. “I want to be back with _Pastel*Palettes._ ”

She doesn’t know why she said it. It might be purely on impulse. She doesn’t even want to be back without reason. _What does she want now?_

Chisato, however, didn’t have the space to say something else as her hand being clasped with Aya, and she is hugged by everyone.

[ _This warmth, where did she—_ ]

* * *

 

She never expected the bitterness would be that hurting. 

She always know Chisato has a sharp tongue, however, at this moment … it hurts more than anything.

She didn’t know what to say if she flat out rejects the offer—the staffs might’ve make her think twice to rejoin the band and maybe she had other preferences.

She knows her lover won’t be back—no, she would be back, Aya still hoped she will, deep inside her heart—but at least, she could be close.

Seeing the small blonde playing bass again.

Watching how she laughed.

Remembering when their hands connected.

No.

Aya. No.

_Please stop, please stop, please stop, there’s no more hope there’s no more hope there’s no more—_

[ The pinkette is not a hard-boiled actress, she always breaks down no matter how hard she tried, just like how she’s doing right now, crying, vomiting, grasping of a memory that won’t be connected— ]


	7. viii. ix.

**viii.**

“Aya-san, good afternoon.”

Maya entered the changing room to find Aya is there, sitting while hugging her feet but she had changed to the usual yellow training tee and pants. Maya noticed Aya would come in rather late to the practice session, even though Chisato has yet to join them because she still need more self practice to catch up. Usually, Aya would be available in the training room first, sometimes doing her stupid pose. Now, Maya would find her there, moping.

“Ah, Maya-chan, hello.”

A tone is a bit flat, but she still smiles—which Maya is grateful with, it won’t be Aya if she doesn’t keep smiling. As someone who gets energy from how positive Aya is, Maya felt something missing in herself, she saw Eve and Hina did feel the same. Maybe, maybe they couldn’t fill the void in Aya’s heart, but they will always keep supporting her.

Maya sat beside her. “How is it going?”

“I asked Hina-chan to take a peek at where Chisato had practiced, she’s doing well.”

“Then, why are you being sad?”

“Can't I be?”

Maya gave her a pat on the shoulder. “You’ve said it yourself, Aya-san. We can pull it off. I’m sure everything we’ll be okay as long as we stayed positive.”

Aya answered with a mute nod.

“Then, let’s go back to practice?”

* * *

 

 

**ix.  
**

The bass drill everyday has been exhausting and tiring, just like how the staff had warned. Not to mention, she got several caluses on her fingers—which really hurts, even though she used the pick—because of practicing. They said it is unavoidable, and they must keep the pace so Chisato could join the usual _Pastel*Palettes_ training regimen. Being an ‘idol’ is not as sweet as the colorful world it shown, that much she had understood.

That day, her self practice ended early and she happened to pass through the training room which the idol band used. It has been rather late in the evening, but the four of them are still practicing, rehearsing various songs that also she learned. The door is not closed, so she could also hear their voices.

 _Shuwarin Dreaming_ , if her memory serves her right. It is the band’s first original song, in which they failed to show at their debut date because there were technical issues, or so the staff said.

“Aya-san, your pace, your pace.” Maya called. “Hina-san, too, your tempo way too fast.”

“Sorry!” Aya stopped midway from her turn.

“Aah, okay, I get it~” Hina waved her hand. “Let’s start on the top again then, Aya-chan?”

The owner of pink twin tails nodded. And the mic started again. Aya began singing and then the music followed. The vocalist did various choreography without breaking her smile and vocal quality, Chisato could see how Aya smiled at the mirror reflection in front of them. Though the bass is not there, Maya did her best to make it with her drumming. Hina is already great with her  ability, she joined with Eve to make the song alive.

They were – shining, blinding. They are _Pastel*Palettes_ ; that alone enough to bring herself staring in awe. She merely trained while hearing their recorded performance, and now seeing her live for the first time, albeit a rehearsal, the blonde was moved.

.

 

[ Did I really belong here, just like how they had said? – she clenched her fist and left the open door. ]


	8. x.

**x.  
**

Though feeling she couldn’t be able to reach them, Chisato found herself to seek the training room every moment her self training with staffs ended early. She’d watch them performing, she’d learn where they will make mistakes—be it only silly ones like Aya forgot to plug in the mic cord to the speaker—and she’d see another side of each and every _Pastel*Palettes_ members.

How a genius Hina, despite being ahead of everyone, she enjoyed being with them and try to walk in their pace.

How perceptive Maya with music equipment and spotting where they had mistaken, though she’d be reserved and think her comments might not be right, everyone will think it over.

How Eve be fired up at every ounce of their seconds. She’s quite balanced and follows everyone just right – her spirit is what that makes the room brighter.

And how Aya is being … Aya. Chisato a bit disappointed to know that their actual leader is such helpless girl who makes mistake far too often than not. She did strike as being reliable when they met, but aside of that moment, she’s a crybaby, she missed a tempo, she made novice mistakes – why did she become the group leader, then?

Chisato passed by the door that day to find there’s only the guitarist present in the room, tending to her guitar.

“Hmm?” the blonde didn’t expect the girl to turn around and see the doorway. “Oh, it really is Chisato-chan.”

Chisato blinked. “Hi-Hikawa-san …?”

“It’s Hina. You called me Hina-chan. You called everyone with ‘-chan’ suffix.”

Hina had this smile on her face as if she already know that the blonde was there all along, though Chisato doesn’t know since when the turquoise-haired girl aware she watched them rehearsing. Hina wore her usual training tee, composed of navy blue t-shirt and pants.

“Come here, come here. I won’t bite~” Hina patted the space beside her, Chisato did as asked, a bit awkward. “I thought staff-san would never let you out. We hardly ever meet you, y’know?”

“Eh?”

“Everyone wants to play with you again,” Hina measured the string to her guitar as she speaks. “But staff-san doesn’t kind of allow it, saying that you’re not ready yet …” bright yellow eyes sneaked to her amethyst occasionally. “Even though you had played great already, maybe they really don’t want you to join us or something~”

Now that Hina mentioned it, it is true that she had been pampered by the staff everytime. Part of it maybe per her parents request, but seems like they never bothered to interfere with her own agenda. Going back to _Pastel*Palettes_ is her own choice, but she was not in her free will.

“Hina-chan,” she tried calling, in which Hina beams. “What … what was Shirasagi Chisato to you?”

The guitarist rolled her eyes, “Hmm. She’s a busy person … oh, she doesn’t care about us at the first place,” Hina continued to hum as she thinks while doing the strings. “Until that day when you distributed tickets with Aya-chan. And after you shared your private life’s story after some while we are acquainted …” there’s a twinkle in those eyes, Chisato could see it. “You’re an interesting person. I never thought you’ll open up to us, though!”

“I was that closed off, huh …” the blonde nodded to herself. Kanon did mention it to her at school and Kaoru gave a vibe about it. So that her past self isn’t cooperative with _Pastel*Palettes_ , but – ticket … distribution happened? “What do you mean by, distributing tickets with Aya-chan?”

“Huh? The staff didn’t tell you that our debut failed?”

“Yeah, they did. But … here we are?”

“Ooh~ so they didn’t tell up to that,” Hina shrugged. “Then—“

What Hina told us was nowhere near what the staffs had transpired to her during her training days. The way their debut failed and their lies shown to public, the way they wanted to begin re-debut live after every trust to them had crumbled, that rainy day when she and Aya sold the ticket in the rain, the way the staff almost banned Aya from standing as their vocalist to avoid messing the stage, the way—

_Why she doesn’t remember any of it, why?_

“Ah, sorry, sorry, was it too much?” Hina finished with a laugh. “Or does it sound irrelevant to you?”

“Thank you for telling me, Hina-chan. I understand why the four of you were … shining.”

“But it also thanks to you, Chisato-chan.”

“… The me who sit beside you now is a different person.”

“Isn’t Chisato-chan will always be Chisato-chan?” the guitarist put her guitar back to its stand. “I mean, we believe that you would be back. So Chisato-chan need to believe in herself that she would be back, too, I think?”


	9. xi. xii.

**xi.**

Chisato dream of the training room again that night.

This time, her hands being pulled by everyone and she reluctantly wore her yellow bass, because everyone watched her in such eagerness. She thought it would be heavy, but when she gets the strap around her shoulders, it fit her preferences well—not exactly heavy, and she could adjust her fingers through the board.

Now she’s standing with _Pastel*Palettes_ , her eyes watched the reflection of five girls on the mirror, and the rehearsal is about to begin.

“We’ll begin with, umm,” Aya fumbled. “That’s right. How about we try _Yura Yura Ring-Dong-Dance_ , Chisato-chan?”

That song which she refused to hear from that day—but Chisato brings herself to nod … wait, _she moves on her own—_

Eve raised her hand. “Keyboard’s settings are ready!”

“Yosh, then, Maya-chan, on your count!”

After the counting of three, Eve and Hina started with their part and when Maya beaten the drums, her parts also in. She’s a mere bystander now, her body moved on itself through the song, and she even sang her own parts. She saw Aya walked close, maybe it is because their lyrics are almost like shouting to each other.

She doesn’t break her eye contacts, nor does Aya. The vocalist looked different as she paced, she sang, and she smiled when she glanced to her way as their lyrics joined. 

[ What is her dream trying to tell? ]  


* * *

 

**xii.**

Chisato tried to have a request to join _Pastel*Palettes_ training for the first time, and she was politely declined. The staff ranted how she wasn’t ready yet, just how Hina had said to her the other day. She wanted to push her opinion, when someone knocked on the door.

Yamato Maya excused herself before she entered.

“Sorry to interrupt your time but can we borrow Chisato-san for awhile? We want to tune the bass …” _Tune the bass?_ It was so sudden, she thought, but then again, behind the frame, a wink is there. “We already asked for head staff’s approval. Just for today.”

The staff talked with Maya for a bit. The brown-haired girl continued to hold until the bargain. Finally he said okay, and while hiding her own excitement, Maya gestured Chisato to follow her outside.

“… Well, that should do for some while,” Maya giggled and took Chisato’s wrist. They proceeded to go to the said practice hall as they talked. “So, Chisato-chan, would you like to play a song with us? We heard from Hina-chan that you might be bored, coped up with Staff-san everyday.”

“Will it be okay, I mean, staff would be angry at you all …”

“Don’t worry about it~”

In the training hall, the other three are waiting, ready with their instruments. They looked so happy to see Maya brought Chisato in.

“Yes, just as planned!” Hina snapped her fingers. “I’ll help you tune the bass and we can start up quick!”

Chisato looked at the spot by the right side of the vocalist, her pale yellow bass is there, someone already plugged it to the amplifier. Hina came with her guitar and they did the tuning.

“… I’m done~” Hina exclaimed. “Aya-chan, we can start now.”

Aya only watched them in silence despite standing there, her expression fixated somewhere between her mic and the mirror. She was surprised when Hina tugged at her. “Oh … right. Sorry. Let’s start. Umm, what song?”

They looked at each other, before eventually Chisato opened her mouth, “How about … _Yura Yura Ring-Dong-Dance_?” She could see Aya widened her eyes, although she doesn’t know why and doesn’t bring herself to ask. “Don’t worry, I memorized the lyrics of my part and the bass.”

“Okay then, if that’s what you wanted, Chisato-chan.” Aya glanced at Maya on the back. “On your count, Maya-chan.”

.

 

Chisato did perform the same as what her dream has told her, how the staff had taught her about the song. Something fell different, though, as Aya stayed, rooting in her place with her vocals from the beginning until the song ended. Sadly, Chisato couldn’t ask about the performance, as the staff stormed into the hall shortly.

[ There was a sad smile Aya gave to Chisato before she was out of the room dragged by the staff. ]


	10. xiii.

**xiii.**

 

Aya slumped down the floor after the training hall is quiet. The staff took back Chisato to her self training and scolded them for lying to staffs.

That song, a certain song she couldn’t even bring to sing because the other voice is absent. She highly hoped Chisato did remember something, even it is just a small, unimportant detail about _Pastel*Palettes,_ or about … them; their relationship. Chisato had brought up about the song, so she put her expectations higher, only to be disappointed and sad.

It was like only yesterday when they stayed a bit late for a week to learn about the choreography and vocal matching because they had frequent banter. Though it could be said they almost butt heads because of the difference their way of thinking in the practice time, it wasn’t like they would fight. She loved how they were brainstorming, she loved to see her giving her all, she loved to witness her in the stage as an actress; Aya loves her everything.

Ah. How she hoped she’s an actress, so she could conceal her broken self in the sight of Chisato, so she could hide her desire to hug her and tell everything that might not be accepted by this ‘new’ Chisato.

“Aya-san.”

Despite her blurred eyes, she could still see Eve gave her a hand.

“Please stand up.”

Aya took it, she murmured an apology as the silver-haired girl supporting her jelly feet.

“Now, now, where’s your Bushido, Aya-san?” the younger girl patted her back. “Hina-san and Maya-san waited outside, we are going to get some tea at Hazawa Coffee~”

“Mm.”

“Aya-san, cheer up, cheer up.”

“T-Thank you, Eve-chan.”

Although she couldn’t contain her sniffles, she tried to walk tall, hoping for a brand new day.

(--and a day to be with _you_ again.)


	11. xiv.

**xiv.**

Kanon approached her desk shortly after the school end bell rang. They are classmates, and the blue-haired drummer of _Hello, Happy World_ had been the one helping her getting through the school days.

“Chisato-chan, here.”

Kanon brought Chisato a 5” smartphone with yellow back case to her desk.

“This is …?”

“Your cell phone.” Kanon explained. “Your parents asked me and Kaoru-chan to try and open it since it has pass code in it, you don’t remember?”

“I … I don’t.” and she doesn’t remember she had one in the first place, perhaps she missed the details since she was dazed after she regained consciousness that time. Her parents would pick her up after her job so she doesn’t need the phone at all by this time, and it’s not like she has someone she need to contact frequently.

“But we don’t know how to open it, either. We’ve tried your birth date, but since we’re afraid that it might be locked because of us and the data inside is deleted, we decided to give it back. Maybe you’d … want to ask the service center later.”

Kanon tapped the screen twice, there’s the pass code request, composed in four digits of number.

“Thank you, Kanon. You’ve been a great help.”

“D-Don’t worry about it, Chisato-chan.” Kanon let out a laugh. She pulled one of the nearby chair to sit and chat with the blonde. “Speaking of which, how’s your day with _Pastel*Palettes_?”

 _Pastel*Palettes_ —the bleak performance from yesterday instantly resurfaced. It wasn’t the same as her dream had played. She couldn’t feel the song at all. She doesn’t see _Pastel*Palettes_ in it. She didn’t see the power, the happiness, the effort she had witnessed during their four-member practice. Is it because of her, that she let everyone down?

“ _Nee,_ Kanon.” Chisato began. “Do you happened to know why I stayed with them—with _Pastel*Palettes?_ ”

Kanon smiled softly at the question. “All I know is you treasured them as your close friends and it’s the first time you worked in a group. I don’t know how your heart conveyed it.”

“My heart …?”

“I think … your brain might forget, but your heart won’t.” that’s a new discovery, it sounded magical, but it touched her. “I’m sure your heart will tell you something.”

 _Pastel*Palettes._ The warm place she sought. Everyone who called for her, wanted to relieve their time with her …

[ Would she be able to remember, or ...? ]


	12. xv.

**xv.**

Ever since Kanon handed back her phone, the mystery of her life added in a number. How can the past her write a pass code with numbers that doesn’t belong near? Or perhaps she kept her password like that because she hide a secret beneath it?

Maybe, maybe she really need to pay a visit to the service center to get it unlocked since her practice ended early today – was her initial plan, but as she step outside the room after getting herself changed to her pale yellow puff one piece, Wakamiya Eve greeted her.

“Oh, is that your phone, Chisato-san?”

“Yes, umm, Eve-chan. Good day to you.” Chisato lowered her phone. “Does your practice ended early today?”

“Yup~” Eve beamed. “Chisato-san is done with her training too, then?”

Chisato nodded at the question, she tried to tap at the screen again to meet the pass code request window. Eve curiously peeked closer. “Eve-chan, you don’t happen to know my old pass code, right?”

“Pass code?” Chisato showed the screen to Eve. Her eyes watched at the nine numbers there as she hummed. “Hmm, usually people will use their birth date, or some important dates, right?”

“Kanon already tried with my birth date.” Chisato typed in 0406, the phone vibrated, the written in red saying the pass code is wrong is shown. Since in Japan they follow the month-date in writing, the combination of 0406 should be the one that Kanon tried. “I ever try 0604 too, but it’s still wrong.”

“Do you recall any important dates other than your birthday, Chisato-san?” asked Eve.

“Sadly, no ...” the blonde looked down to her feet. Ah, how her memory loss making even simple things harder.

“O-Oh, I’m sorry!” the tall girl shot an apologetic look.

“It’s okay, Eve-chan. I can always bring this to the service center and have it opened, not to repeat this fruitless effort.”

“I think it’s not worthless to try and remember. Hard effort is one of Bushido’s way of life after all!” Eve pumped her fist. Chisato doesn’t get what she meant, but she nodded anyway. Maya ever said Eve loves Bushido and she said it a lot. “Oh ... that reminds me. How about try typed it 1227?”

“1227?” how can Eve think of a random number? Well, she has three times of password tries before the phone locks everyday, so she might as well try. “Why 1227, though?”

“That, I can only say for you to remember it yourself, Chisato-san.” Eve smile was different; she had this profound, soft smile in her as she said. “I hope this can also help you a step closer to your memory.”

 _1227—_ should she really types it? Eve sounded so sure about it, perhaps it is one of her precious day with _Pastel*Palettes_?

Chisato typed the four numbers, and the phone is unlocked.

“Aah! It’s really that, after all~ congratulations, Chisato-san!”

.

 _What does the 1227 mean? –_ she better to check her phone contents thoroughly when she arrived at home later.


	13. xvi.

  **xvi.**  
  


“Aya-chan~”

Hina called upon Aya as she doing her dancing, pacing in front of her mirror as they speak. The practice has ended for the day because both Maya and Eve said they must attend another job. Hina was going to leave earlier, but after she changed, she saw the training hall’s lamp was lit. Just as Hina predicted, Aya is in the middle of her self-practice, however, Hina could tell that Aya is not her usual self.

“Ah, Hina-chan,” Aya stopped after the swing arm movement. “You aren’t going home yet?”

“Well~ I hoped that I might see your silly pose practice again~” the turquoise girl said aloud, but Aya’s mirthful expression doesn’t change. “Guess today’s Aya-chan is a still a hollow shell~”

“Ho-Hollow?” Aya blinked. She scratched her cheek, sudden self-consciousness hit her. “Is that so. Maya-chan and Eve-chan said so too, I guess it’s right …”

Usually, Hina would walk in to see the pinkette practiced her silly poses and she’d smile (nervously) to see Hina discovered her. That day, and days that began after Chisato had lost her memories—half of herself, Aya had lost half of her soul. Aya is smiling, Aya is keeping herself together with practice and practice, but her usual blinding smile is nowhere to be found.

[ At that, Hina had a mix of many feelings. ]

“Say, Aya-chan,” Hina stopped in front of Aya, blocking Aya’s view of the mirror’s reflection. Clasping the vocalist’s hands, she brought it to their eye level. “How about you stop now?”

“Stop what?”

“Stop trying,” the guitarist squeezed the palms. “Stop hoping. Stop crying. No matter how hard you believe, Chisato-chan won’t be back.”

“… Hina-chan …?”

Aya didn’t expect Hina would lift her chin up, and their distance was closed. Their breaths mingled and Aya stared back with wide eyes. There, Hina stopped, with Aya reflexively took her free palm to shut Hina’s mouth. They exchanged glares to each other before Hina pulled, laughing, Aya found herself confused.

“Now I see that flame in your eyes again, I know you’ll never give up.” Hina said with a snicker. “That’s Aya-chan who I know.”

“Hina-chan, what’s the meaning of—“

“—I hate to see you in the dark. You look boring.” Hina gave a shrug before she marched to the door. “Well, then. Sorry about that earlier. Please forget it, Aya-chan. I hope you’ll return to your bright self soon, bye-bye!”

 

.

 

The door is open for anyone who passed by to see them, to see their intimate distance without saying anything. When Hina about to leave the room, the uninvited blonde, who happened to pass by and seen the glimpse of what happened, hurried to pick her pace, away from the room.

 _What did she just – seen?_ Chisato’s brain went for a flip.

From the far, the blonde couldn’t get what they were talking about, then again, Chisato focused at how Hina would steal that lips. She couldn’t shake it easily even though she’s already away from the agency, she was nowhere near to see the two of them anymore.

 _Are they … are Hina and Aya … together? But—_ there’s an uncomfortable tug in her chest.

“… What’s this feeling?”


	14. xvii.

**xvii.**

 

 _What_ _did she see_ _?_ Chisato witnessed the closeness between Aya and Hina, a bond between two girls, something unreachable, something, _something_ — 

Though the idea might be new to her, all she could feel inside her is uneasiness. No, it wasn’t because she’s disgusted or crept out of what she had seen; what she sensed were her chest burning, her cheeks feeling hot, also multiple urges of scream bubbling in her veins. She doesn’t know what’s this ‘weird combinations’ called, neither she could ask anyone what kind of feeling this is.

“Why she couldn’t get it out from her mind?” is the thing resonated in her mind. Why? Their relationship wasn’t her concern, right? If they really are together, then so be it, then why? Why she’s feeling like _this_?

Occupied with thinking about what happened earlier, Chisato eventually forgot to check out her phone.

Chisato typed in 1227 again, the magical four numbers Eve gave to her.

The screen showed her dynamic wallpaper of maple leaves falling. Nothing out of ordinary from the home screen per her inspection, so she moved to search for something else.

She checked her schedule calendar, some of it was her scheduled training for new stage play, and _Pastel*Palettes_ practice days. The last day of the month is marked pink for some reason, it is Sunday after supposed release event date for _Hanamaru Andante/Yura Yura Ring Dong Dance_ , which is cancelled.

She opened her picture gallery, moving to see the folders with sorted out date. Looks like she rarely use her phone to take photo of something, there wasn’t much inside except occasional snaps for food—tea, coffee, some sweets; maybe she enjoyed café so much—and there are photos of Kanon in it.

She rolled to find a single group photo of Pastel*Palettes in the recent photos, along with a single newer video. They were smiling in the photo, her attire is a bit different than others – one ragged clothing, maybe she’s in one of the stage play there back then. The five of them are sticking close, with Aya holding out the selfie stick.

_Aya … Hina …_

_Again_ , she chewed on her lips, _what’s with this heartache?_

There’s the unplayed video, which remained untouched as she flipped the phone shut, trying to calm down from her blooming feelings.


	15. xviii.

**xvi** **i** **i.**   
  


The following day, the pinkette happened to pass her when she was about to return the old scripts she happened to carry. The thoughts of her and Hina flashed in her mind, but she thought no need to inquire anything about it. 

_If Hina and Aya together, then so be it, no need to think about it, Shirasagi Chisato._

“Chisato-chan.” A smile with it, a wide one, not a disappointed, not a fake. Just, smile. “Are you free now?”

“I am.” she technically is, not counting if she wanted to avoid Aya because sudden uncomfortable vibes rising – then again it would be weird if Chisato avoided Aya suddenly, so, “Is something wrong, Aya-chan?”

“The café outside C-Circle Live House is holding a promotional discount for their new soft cream flavors.”  Chisato was sure she heard the girl stutter, but paid no mind. “How about we ... go there together?”

The car would pick her up in another hour, and said Circle is a five minute walk from the agency. She doesn’t know what Aya is up to, though, her wide smile is rare to see. “Is that so? Alright, then.”

Aya’s beaming wide, even wider. And she’s kind of jumpy. “T-Then, let’s go?”

 

.

 

One word to describe their way together is awkward. It made Chisato remember their first encounter in the hospital, where silence fills their words more than necessary. The blonde opted to make a joke about the strange-shaped rabbit apple that Aya made. Thinking back, her attention is there where Aya’s eyes twinkled, since it is tinged in many colors she couldn’t remember existed.

When she thinks about it, where their hands are now separated by a nil of air; why did Aya comes alone to the hospital, not as a group? And why she hummed the song – _Yura Yura Ring-Dong-Dance_? Why she looked sad? Why she looked hurt? Why? 

Then, about that afternoon in the training hall with Hina – why Chisato is hurt? Her chest tightened, she sensed nausea; what’s going on with her?

The only logical conclusion Chisato could draw from her connection with Aya must be something bad; since Aya always looked sad around her and Chisato was uneasy to see Aya with Hina that day. Though it couldn’t explain everything, Chisato chose it to be an explanation, at least for now.

“Chisato-chan?”

“Oh.” Aya was right in front of her. Perhaps trying to stop her tracks since Chisato spaced out. “Umm. Sorry. Did you call me?”

“We’re here.”

“Right.” Chisato swallowed. “And … what?”

“What flavor would you like?”

Aya pointed at the block sign located beside the food truck where the said soft cream being sold. Various combination of flavors lined up, a small red sticker on the top left of the menu name indicated that it is a new selection.

“If you’re confused, then I’ll order you the same as mine.”

“Then, please.”

“Alright. Two fruity Matcha soft creams then.”

The pinkette asked for Chisato to secure the seats nearby, but Chisato wanted to follow Aya in the line; a little curiosity nagging her.

“Why did you ask me out?” Chisato asked. _Why she bothered to ask someone she so hated? Why she showed concern to her back then in the hospital?_

Aya visibly blanked, chewing on her lips. “I … It has been a long time since I see you around.” That sounded a bit lame _,_ Aya laughed nervously.

“But aren’t we go into the same school and get in the same band?”

“You’re … right.” The shopkeeper called out for two fruity Matcha. Aya leaned forward to take them. “Here you go, Chisato-chan.”

It’s a green ice cream crowned with different-colored berries served in square cones. The small spoon blossomed from the side. Since it’s summer, it might be melting easily, it is better to eat quick.

Aya directed them to a bench below umbrella quite far from the food truck since it was empty. There, silence enveloped, heavily, as they savored their own respective share. The usual sweet, cool soft cream tasted empty to the weight of the atmosphere they were in.

“Then,” Chisato asked her other question. “Why do you look so … pained? Did the past me do something bad to you? Did you hate me so much because I get in your way?”

Aya stopped tasting at her soft cream. Her eyes are one of the hollow pink, her sweet smile went sour, lips parted to a sigh. “You didn’t,” tears. Again. It’s that tears again. It nearly falls out. “You never did.”

“Then why-“

_[Why she is with Hina? Why she seems to care for her?]_

The last thing Chisato could hear from Aya is a soft murmur of sorry. Aya pulled herself near, her fingers clasped her cheek, their noses brush when the lips met. It’s quick, Chisato can feel coldness, a dash of matcha and a sprinkle of anxiety. When Aya pulled, everything is gone—her smile, her smile is gone, leaving the trail of fresh tears.

Chisato still sense soft lips ghosting on her own, which she brought her hand up – not in shock, not in disgust; she doesn’t know what name is _this_ feeling.

“Sorry,” it was like a repeat of a broken cassette. “Sorry.” Aya said again. “Sorry.”

As the part of puzzle clicks, her memory flicks; she witnessed Aya’s back disappear and her heart sang flutters.

 

.

.

.

_Why did she run away?_ Aya wanted to be angry at herself.

That kiss. / That tears.

Why – Why she couldn’t hold it all in? / Why she is so, so stupid?

She wanted those days to be back. / She couldn’t force it. / Everyone, everyone is supporting her fragile steps, her fragile dreams. / And yet, yet.

[ How can she face _Shirasagi Chisato_ now? ]

 

.

 

Aya realized she ran all the way back to where the agency is, leaving Chisato behind without much thinking, alone. She’s the worst. She’s so selfish.


	16. xix.

**xix.**

Chisato still can feel the sensation of lips covering her own. Warmth bubbling inside her, slowly developed into an unknown strain of fire, and she couldn’t stop it from happening. Her heart is beating in fervent tempo, even though the girl who had stolen her lips is gone, the blonde could decipher their closeness earlier as perfect as possible – how their nose brushed. How their fingertips touched, on whim. How their breaths meet each and other. How Aya’s lips were cold, slightly trembled as she pulled.

Her broken look earlier, it was as if she had done an unforgivable sin, a stain that couldn’t be erased, an act that spoke more than thousand words—

The kiss. _That kiss_ – what could Aya meant by it? What did she desire of?

 [Isn’t she just an obstacle between her and Hina?]

Her mind flashed back of their first meeting in the hospital, where Aya peeled rabbit apples for her. Chisato’s impression of Aya was of a kind-hearted, funny, a girl with a bright smile that could light the atmosphere with happiness. However, she easily cried, and she did cry without apparent reason that Chisato knew when they met that day, when the pinkette clasped her hands as she answered ‘what is Aya to Shirasagi Chisato’ question. Moving on, Chisato saw _Pastel*Palettes_ member for the first time, when they spoke of her importance as their irreplaceable bassist, when Aya and everyone hoped to the staff to let her play with the idol band again. Though Chisato saw her as the ‘true leader’ that time, when the blonde peeked at their practice routine, Aya was quite slow to follow everyone; she messed up the pace, she done her choreography wrong, but she always, always practiced harder and harder than anybody.

When faced with Chisato, however, the blonde bassist could detect a hole in Aya – something missing, her bright smile is missing, as if she waited for something to happen, and then today—

The kiss. _That intimate press to her lips_ – what could Aya meant by it? What did she want?

“Were we ...?”

Chisato lit her phone open, typed the password 1227 and searched for something, _anything_ that could prove her connection with the pinkette.

Messages, nothing.

Photos, nothing—

Oh.

She still have an unplayed video from last night.

“What’s this ...?”

Chisato clicked the play button, the screen was all black for a minute until the camera showed up the usual training room; the mirror, the tidied instrument, and—

 _“Ah, so this is where the camera spot is, ehehe, my bad,”_ the voice inside the video is there after much rustles. The pinkette waving on the camera, she’s in her twin tail and training outfit. _“Hello, Chisato-chan~ congratulations on unlocking your phone!”_

So, Aya is the one changed her pass code?

 _“You left your phone here in hurry to your next job, so I ... kind of want to play a prank, hehe, I’m sorry, Chisato-chan! I will return the phone when I see you later. I’m sorry I changed the pass code, but isn’t it easy? It’s my birth date, you must’ve guessed it after I returned your phone!”_ still with the cheeky smile, she said. _“But Chisato-chan’s image gallery doesn’t have my picture, aww, so here I recorded a video of myself. Oh, umm. Good day! Pastel*Palettes soft pink leader, Maruyama Aya here~”_ Aya shot her ... uhh ... strange poses to the screen. _“Later this week, after the Hanamaru Andante single release, Chisato-chan and I will have a date!”_

Date?

 _“I know you ever said that ‘I’m bored to have to meet you everyday because our duet parts didn’t match up quite good,’ but you asked for a date~ I’m so happy!”_ Aya’s face blossomed red. _“A-Anyways, umm, t-thank you for being my lover and ... good luck for your stage play as well. I’ll cheer you on! I hope the release event will be smooth, too. Don’t worry, I’ve been practicing my MC parts hard! I’ll not fail you!”_

Lovers ... so _that kiss_ was—

_“A-Ah! Sorry for dragging out too long, s-see you later. I love you, Chisato-chan!”_

The recording ended there.

“Aya-chan ... is my ...?”

Her body couldn’t stop trembling.

 

* * *

 

Maruyama Aya found herself in the dark of training hall, hugging her feet alone nearby the mirror. She already spend her time crying, and maybe she still does. Bunch of emotion that filled her has yet to end - sadness, pain, agony, regret; a kiss, a longing kiss that she had been holding on accidentally happened, proving she wasn’t strong enough to contain her wants.

“She’s right, eh ... I bend when there’s pressure, I’m so emotional, and I’m a crybaby, I ...”

That day when she was asked by the staff to not sing, Chisato was the one to find her here, stating that because Aya loved this place, Aya would surely come there.

It is true, though; Aya loved her practice, Aya loved every step for her to become a shining idol someday. The training hall has been her silent companion, the place that overlooked her hard work and be her destination no matter what obstacle that stopped her.

Her eyes watched the closed door, hoping that the blonde will remember, wishing the blonde will come here and sweep her out of her feet again with such straight eyes, such harsh but warm words—

But of course, she sniffled, _she is asking for the impossible, right?_

Aya stole a glance to the wall clock, it would be six soon, maybe she’ll spend time crying more here and go home later, or she could go to chat with Hina at her part-time work place, or ask Kanon about her day at today’s work shift, or ...

 

 _Maybe, maybe she should really, really give up for real_.


	17. xx.

**xx.**

Chisato found herself in the training room again, this time, someone sitting beside her – her own reflection, wearing her training clothes. The dream her smiled, and she smiled back.

“So,” the dream Chisato began. “Have you found it, the one that you seek for?”

The warmth transmitted by the video wake something dormant inside her, for sure, though she has yet to have a name about everything. Noticing her confusion, the dream Chisato let out a laugh. “It must be hard, isn’t it? Everyone expected you to ‘be back’ while you might not be expecting it. You want an easy life.”

“That’s not—“

“—I know.” A hand gave her shoulder pats. “You also want to ‘belong’ with them again. You want to say sorry, especially to Aya-chan.”

The mirror in front of her showing the days of _Pastel*Palettes_ practice—when they were out of sync mostly—and how they were having fun despite the difficulties and their minimal knowledge in music previously.

_“Chisato-chan, I-I like you.”_

She saw the recollection of her and Aya after Aya confessed there, where she walked away to hide her embarrassed face, and Aya thought that Chisato was angry at that time. The pinkette followed Chisato, keep calling for her name until Chisato stopped, it was before the door. Chisato rested her back to the door leading the exit, looking down for a bit. Aya, who was confused at what to do, gripped tight on the hem of her training tee, mumbling apologies. The blonde finally looked up, facing a teary-eyed Aya, called her silly and gave her forehead a kiss.

Chisato blinked at the record, she turned to see the dream her smiling ear-to-ear, hiding her reddened face as she pulled her knees.

“How can I fall for such hopeless girl?” the dream her said. “Don’t you think so? How can I, Shirasagi Chisato, a perfect model in her every aspects, fall for a mess of a girl called Maruyama Aya?”

“Isn’t it because ... her hard work? Her shining bright figure when she tried her best?” Chisato asked, with the dream her nodded slowly.

“But showing affection is harder than acting on a stage, full of people, hmm?” said the dream Chisato. “Maybe that’s the part I’m really shy about, since I rarely open up to other people, and there’s this love ...”

The mirror showed some more, to that day when Aya found her phone that she left by the training hall, also when her witnessing when Chisato’s ‘accident’ happened ....

“Everyone—she—she believed that you’ll be there with them, that you’ll belong to them again ...”  the dream Chisato gave her open palm a squeeze. “So, will you answer their prayers now?”

 

.

.

.

 

The door leading to the training hall opened, muffled cries and sobs echoed in the unlit room like no tomorrow. It was kind of late on the evening, and no apparent schedule of anyone in the agency using the room at the moment.

Her eyes grew soft as she spotted the leader of pastel pink.

“So you’re here after all, Aya-chan.”


	18. xxi.

**xxi. the world with you, and I ...**

Chisato borrowed their usual meeting room, since the staff said that the training hall would be used soon and Aya didn’t stop crying.  They seated in the usual respective chair, yellow chair where Chisato is, on the right side of pink-colored chair which belong to Aya, and Chisato didn’t say anything to the crying Aya, only to bring their hands together on the table.

“Would you like some tea?” Chisato whispered closely, Aya slowly shakes her head.

After a long silence, with their only connection is the entwined hands, crossing fingers and sometimes rubbing to another, Aya spoke.

“C—Chisato ... chan.” Her voice cracked, hurting the blonde more, she couldn’t take it. Chisato brought her seat closer and bring the pinkette to her embrace, feeling how frail Aya is in her arms despite her slight bigger features than hers. “Y, You’re ...”

“I’m here, Aya-chan. I’m here.”

The hug stayed for them to relish each other; the intimate touch that have been lost, the familiar warmth when there were no distance between them, the scent, the rushed heartbeats. It has been so long, _too long_ , that even Aya thought she has been nothing but dreaming – that it is but another form of her delusion taking in to take her consciousness and sanity away.

Chisato who’s holding her is real. Chisato is _here_. Her Chisato is _here._

Breaking the hug, Aya fumbled. Her nose and her eyes must be all red now but there’s no time to worry about that. She should tell Hina, Eve and Maya too that Chisato had regained her memories. “A-Ah, I should tell everyone—“

“Aya-chan,” Chisato clucthed at her arms. “It’s already late, we’ll meet them tomorrow.” Their eyes met for a bit, before Chisato realized the following words rolling on her tongue. “... I want to be with only you now.”

Aya, with equally blossomed red face as Chisato, took her seat back. “U-Umm,” she sniffled, shuffling uncomfortably in her chair as the memory of the kiss from that afternoon presented in her mind. “First, I’m sorry.”

“Why so? I should be the one who’s sorry.”

 

“I took your ...” the voice decreased in volume. “... k-kiss.”

Chisato unconsciously held her lips. “Oh,” a blink. “But aren’t we ... lovers?”

“It’s unfair, I mean,” Aya’s smile was sad. “I promised myself to hold back. And I did a mistake. I kissed Chisato-chan who doesn’t remember anything—”

“A-Ah, please don’t cry again.”

“S, Sorry ...”

“Aya-chan.”

 _Really, she’s such a crybaby._ Chisato thought when she saw Aya broke again, tears falling down. _Emotional, easily bend with pressure, but never gives up, and has the brightest smile_ , no wonder her own self questioned why she fell for such fool, imperfect butterfly out of everything available in the beautiful garden. Her thumb grazed at the trail of the tears this time, making line over the swollen eye.

 _She loves Aya because she’s Aya – it is always an enough reason for Chisato to fall in love again, and again_.

“Welcome back, Chisato-chan,” Aya took the smaller hand with both hands, holding on Chisato’s fingers like a dear lifeline, her cheeks are bright pink as she flashed a smile, one of the brightest smile that Chisato had missed for like eternity. “I love you.”

“I’m back, Aya-chan,” part of her voice is blurred with tears; she is crying, overwhelmed, and they stayed close. “I love you too.”

[ This time, she would return all those tears Aya had spilled for her with her everything. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. What a ride is this. Umm. Anyway. Thank you for reading! Though in the end I feel my writerblock has yet to be cured ^^;
> 
> Again, thank you for staying until the end~ see you next time!


End file.
